Imaginary or Real

Is the ache of grief real or imaginary?  For me, it's quite real.  Tonight, it's very real.  I have an ache that cannot be put into words.  And it seems to come from a deep place in my chest. I wonder if perhaps it comes from emotions that have been repressed and put away for long periods of time, in order to allow me to function in my world.  My world that changed so drastically and unexpectedly almost five years ago.

The emptiness has never gone away.  How could it?  Part of me is missing. Some nights I see him in my dreams - and he is so close I can almost reach him, but then he disappears.  I so want to grab hold of his big strong hand and pull him to me.  But in my dreams he slips away before I can grasp him. 

These are the nights I cling to my faith, my faith in my Savior, Jesus Christ.  You see, my son had a personal and real relationship with Him.  And I know he is safe and secure with Him now.   And I too, have a personal relationship with Jesus.  And I know that one day I will no longer be reaching out for my boy because one sweet and amazing day I will be with him again.

These are the nights I hold close the incredible promises of God - that He holds me in the palm of His hand, that nothing or no one can pluck me from His hand, that He will never leave me. 

I am so thankful for a God who loves me unconditionally with all of my flaws.  He continues to sustain me and bless me.  Me, with all my sin... He loves me!

Tonight, I can rest in His promises..... I hope you will too...... and together we will see the

Sunshine After the Storm.....

Blessings......
Betsy

 

Weathering the Storm

It is hard to believe that it has been six months since my last entry.  So much has happened from May 5 until November 2.  There is never a dull moment with six school aged children. 

In May there is are all the end of school activities.  Then a week off then three weeks of summer school.  Then before you know it all the back to school shopping and preparations.  And of course, we are adventurers.  And we live in an outdoorsman's dream area.  We have so many beautiful state parks within anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour's drive from us.  And the children and I try to fit in day trips to as many of these beautiful places that we can.

I grew up loving the outdoors and camping.  Some of my best childhood memories are of camping and fishing with my parents.  So naturally I have wanted my children to enjoy the experience of camping  My mom, bless her heart, bought us an eight person tent and sleeping bags this summer.  On the spur of the moment we threw everything we needed for a weekend into the mini van and off we went to a beautiful lake area a bit further than we usually travel.  

The weather, when we left, was beautiful and the forecast for the next few days was great.  By the time we arrived it was drizzling and we threw the tent up and ate a quick sandwich before it started to get dark and rainy.  At this point the kids were thinking this was a grand adventure.  The next morning it was still drizzling and the drizzle turned into rain.  This didn't deter the fun the kids had - they walked around the campground, read books, played games in the tent, etc.  There was a break in the rain and we had covered the fire wood with a tarp to keep it dry.  We were able to roast hotdogs and make s'mores.  

We headed to bed before a nasty thunderstorm hit.  It rained, and it poured and the wind blew, and the thunder cracked and the lightening lit up the sky.  And inside the tent, well let's just say that it got wet and chilly.  And some got wetter than others.  Well, you would think that there would have been complaints galore, but no.  We chose instead to tell funny stories and laugh and talk until the storm passed.  Then after the wind and thunder eased up and only the rain remained, we tried to find dry places in the wet tent to sleep until morning.  And we did, somehow, survive that night.  

Now, I would like to say that in the morning the sun was shining brightly but I can't.  It was still raining.  It had slowed to a drizzle, but we headed to the shower house for long warm showers.  I don't think there have been too many times we have enjoyed a shower quite so much.  And even though we had to go back into the drizzle and take down the tent and pack up all of our wet things, we were refreshed and we were still in good spirits.  In fact the kids were in such good spirits they wanted to stay "in case the rain stopped."  

Most people would have thought that was a miserable first camping trip.  So miserable that they would NEVER want to go camping again.  But we had a great time and the kids were ready to go again.   And by the time we arrived home later that day the sun was shining.   We were able to set up the tent in our yard to dry and wash and dry the sleeping bags and all was well.

Two weeks ago I had several really rough days in a row.  There had just been so much "rain" in my life for so very long.  All I felt like doing was crying.  I remember crying out, "Lord, I want to go home!  I want to see George again and Daddy and be with You, Jesus!"  I was not suicidal, just longing to be home. 

God has a purpose for me still being here and sometimes it is just a day by day process of being the person that He wants me to be to bring light to even one person in what may be a  terribly dark day for them.  Oh, I get weary, but I know that someday, I'm going to wake up and the Son is going to be shining on me and I am going to be home with George and Daddy and the Sweet Lord who has given me so very much.  That's why even though this journey of grief seems never ending I WILL keeping looking for the

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings
Betsy

Eyes and Ears Open!

A couple of weeks ago, very close to the anniversary of my sons death, I was taking one of my children to a doctor's appointment in St. Louis.  The drive to St. Louis takes me right by the site where my son was killed. 

On this particular day as I was driving I saw ambulances, fire trucks and police cars on the other side of the median.  As I got closer I could see that the traffic was at a standstill on that side of the highway in both lanes for as far as I could see. 

As I approached, the only vehicle I could see was a mangled motorcycle that had been put on the back of a flatbed truck.  I knew that the rider was either badly injured or dead.  And the minute I saw that motorcycle I was transported back to the day and the instant that I got that horrible call that no parent should ever get. And I physically began to experience so many of the same emotions I had felt on that day four years ago.  I almost needed to pull over and catch my breath and get my emotions in check.  It took many miles to calm the panic and anxiety I was feeling.  

Then, I began to pray for the rider of that bike, any passenger who may have been with him and also for the driver and passengers of any vehicles that had been involved.  And I began to pray for the families who would be receiving word of the accident. 

And I was reminded again of how very important it is for bikers to constantly be aware and alert to everything going on around them.  And how very important it is for drivers of automobiles to do the exact same thing.  We all share the road and we all have the same responsibility to drive safely. The weather is beautiful and bikers are out enjoying the ride.  The month of May is Motorcycle Safety Awareness Month.  Let's all keep our eyes and ears open and stay safe!

No matter where you are in your journey of grief, never give up hope and keep looking for the

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings
Betsy

My Heart Stopped Beating Today

For a moment today it felt as if my heart had stopped beating and my breath would not come.  My mind spiraled back in time to the day I walked the accident spot. That time when so many of the emotions I had been doing my best to hold in check during those immediate days following George's death, came tumbling out.  

You see, today I was attempting to reorganize one of my storage sheds.  I came across a box that was labeled something other than what it really was. Why I opened it, I don't really know.  When I did, I was caught off guard.  For inside that box was a stack of newspapers with the articles about my son's death and underneath those papers were two items I had found as I walked that accident scene almost four years ago - a handlebar from the bike - the last thing he would have touched before he died, and the glasses he had been wearing that were thrown from his face.

One look was all it took for a million thoughts, memories, and questions to come flooding back.  One look was all it took for me to be hit in the gut with the harsh reality of his death.  Every single day I know he's not here.  And every single day I miss his face, his smile, his laughter and his hugs.  And today I wanted to see that face and that smile.  I wanted so much to hear his laughter and feel one of his tight and loving hugs.  I wanted it so very much. Today I wanted my son back.  

Today was hard.  And I know there will always be those hard days that come from seemingly nowhere and hit me like a ton of bricks.  But I also know that my Savior is taking good care of my boy.  And I know I will see his face again, hear his laughter, and enjoy his hugs!  In the meantime I also know my Savior is watching over me with eyes full of love and arms full of compassion, grace and peace.  Yes, today was a stormy day.  But for now my heart will continue to beat and my breathing will continue. And, because of His love, I know there will be 

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings
Betsy

Amazing Grace!

This past Saturday, I had the opportunity to sit down and have coffee and conversation with a friend I hadn't seen in 38 years.  It was really good to see him after all these years.  Isn't it good when you can sit down with someone after all that time and still enjoy their company? We were quite comfortable sharing about our lives and what has been going on in them.  

As I listened to him share, I was reminded again about how loss affects everyone.  No one is exempt.  And loss isn't always about the death of a loved one.  It can be the loss of a relationship that was once so meaningful, it can be the loss of a job or career, divorce, or even the loss of our health.  

It seems as if loss almost always causes us to question ourselves, others and even God's wisdom, justice and love.  I've said numerous times in my posts that I'm no expert, but I do believe this is a normal part of the grieving process.  And I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing.  

I think it can be a good thing to question ourselves.  In so doing we may find areas of our own life that we need to change or improve.  We may need to ask forgiveness or even forgive someone whether they have asked for it or not.

What about questioning others?  Well, I think it is important that we evaluate the relationships in our lives.  Are the people in our lives building us up or tearing us down?  Are they healthy or unhealthy?  Are they exhausting us or lifting us up?  There is a difference between evaluating though and being overly critical of others in our lives.  We need to give them the grace that we would want them to give us.  But having said that, there may be people that we simply need to step away from in order to be able to move on to lead a healthy and happy life.

What about questioning God? I believe this too is a normal part of the grieving process.  If God is loving and just, then why does He allow His children to suffer?  We live in a fallen world.  God created man, but He also gave man the ability to make choices.  There are things that happen in this fallen world that we will never understand here.  That's where our faith comes in.  God understands our questions and he understands our pain.  He is not an unfeeling God.  He loves us with an everlasting love.  I think it is important when questioning God that we do so with an open heart and mind ready to hear his answers.  Our questioning and seeking can lead us to a closer relationship with our Father if we remember that He loves us as much today as he did yesterday and he will love us the same tomorrow as he does today. That is amazing grace!

Keep looking up and you WILL see the

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings!
Betsy 

  

Winter Vs. Spring: The Battle

It seems it has been a long winter.  Winter months can be fun and cozy for the first couple of months, but after lots of bitter cold snow days, slips and falls on the ice, and kids having to stay in because it's too unbearably cold to go out and play in the snow, it starts to become draining on everyone's emotions.  Before we realize it, we can become depressed with the winter blues.

We eagerly await spring.  It seems this year, there has been a battle between between winter and spring.  Winter seems to be trying to bully its way into Spring and Spring keeps trying to poke through any openings it can find.  The daffodils and crocus are doing their best to brighten our world.  And the battle of Winter vs Spring leaves those of us who are weary a bit frustrated.  We need the sunshine and warmer weather - it makes us feel better!  The bouncing back and forth day to day from cold to warmer leaves us exhausted.

I think our journey of grief is much like this.  We become weary of the feelings that are associated with our grief: loneliness, depression, guilt, unanswered questions, loss of joy, and the list goes on.  And we can't seem to let it go. We are in the weary winter months of grief.  

Yes we are weary from our grieving and some days we want to hang on to it for dear life.  Why?  I'm no expert, other than in my own personal experience. Grief takes time.  Sometimes we resign ourselves that this is just the way life is going to be from now on.  Our joy is gone, our purpose for living seems to be gone, we may feel guilt that there could have been something more we could have and should have done with our loved one before the loss, or maybe we feel that if we move forward we are going to somehow be deserting or forgetting our loved one.  

Then somewhere along the way, we start to see those rays of sunshine trying to peek through our grief and the battle begins.  More forward into the sunshine (Spring) or stay enveloped in the darkness (Winter).   Does this battle ever end?

I think the good news is that in time it seems like less of a battle, less of a struggle.  How?  By learning over time to accept, not necessarily understand, what has happened, by realizing that we don't get do overs, therefore we cannot go back and change how we would have done things, by realizing that our loved one would not want us to be feeling guilt and hopelessness and most importantly by realizing that God has us on this earth for a reason and we cannot fulfill His purpose for our lives if we are stuck in the depths of despair.  

When those days of sunshine peek through, I believe we need to embrace them, not run from them.  Thank God for them, they are a gift from Him.  And as we begin to embrace those sunny days, we will begin to heal a little bit more with each one we allow ourselves to embrace.  

We will never forget our loved one, nor should we, and we will always have a piece of our heart missing, but we will begin to find meaning to our life again.
It is a journey, it is a process, but we must keep moving through the process to fully embrace the

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings!
Betsy

Embrace Your Sunny Days!

Long Time, No See!

It has been some time since I have written, hasn't it?  My life has been crazier than usual over the past few months.  Many decisions and choices have had to be made.  Lots of paperwork, and endless tasks. 

I was separated from October 2012 until November 15, 2013 at which time my divorce became final.  During that year I gained and am continuing to gain an appreciation for single moms that I would never have gained otherwise. Caring for six school age children on my own with virtually no family living close by, has been a challenge, to say the least.  Many is the time over the past year that I have longed for lots of siblings of my own who lived close by who could lend a hand or give me some respite from time to time.  So here is a shout out to all single moms out there!  And here is a challenge to those of you who may know of a single mom who could use a day off or even a weekend - Maybe a coupon for free babysitting for a day or weekend would be a good Christmas gift for someone you know!

Now, on another subject that I know everyone deals with this time of year.... the struggles of keeping your joy while struggling with bouts of depression that come from missing loved ones who should be with you.  Whether they are absent because they have passed away, or whether from an estranged relationship, or even being separated by a physical distance.  It's tough. There is no question about it. 

There was a time when decorating the tree and our home was so much fun. And I used to bake at least a dozen different varieties of candies and cookies. Now it takes me days to get the tree and house decorated and baking seems to be more of a chore than something pleasurable.  These things that used to bring me so much pleasure - where is that pleasure now?  

Oh, don't get me wrong, I get the decorating done - I still have children at home who very much enjoy it and need those memories.  I do some baking - not as much as I used to, but enough that the children get to enjoy helping out.  I want them to have good memories of the holidays.  And honestly, seeing Christmas through the eyes of children helps to lift my spirits.

And then, when I start feeling too sorry for myself and who and what I'm missing - the Holy Spirit nudges me ever so gently to remember the true meaning of Christmas.  And I look at the nativity scene and I think.  And I remember the most wonderful gift ever given, the gift of God's Son, Jesus. Without this gift we would not have the hope of seeing our loved ones again. 

And suddenly I can hear the angels singing, and my spirits lift and the joy of the Lord wells up within me and I must sing with the angels, "Joy to the World!" and I thank God for the Joy in my world!  In spite of all the hardships, trials, failures, hurts, I am Blessed!  Not just a little, but abundantly! 

I pray that you, my friends have a glorious, joy-filled Christmas and that you will take time to see, feel, and be thankful for your blessings!  And please, don't ever stop looking up - you will see the

Sunshine After the Storm
Blessings....
Betsy 

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